A Knot in the Throat
by InnocentFighter
Summary: (( Spoilers!)) A view on what Captain Kirk was feeling when he was behind the glass! This was a request, please read and tell me what you think!


**Well here is my first ever request fill! I hope that you all will enjoy it! I hope that I didn't butcher the most emotional scene in the movie with this so... Let me know what you think!**

**DISCLAIMER I DO NOT OWN STAR TREK NOR DO I CLAIM TO!**

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Burning without burning. That is how Jim would describe how he was feeling at the moment. It felt like every inch of him had been bathed with fire or some other burning substance. His throat felt like it hadn't had any water ever trickle down it. Every movement was like having someone touch him with a branding iron, only all over his entire body. Even his breathing caused him pain. That was only the physical side of it.

There was no doubt in Jim's mind that he was dying, he had run into the chamber expecting it, and he'd probably be disappointed that he hadn't died, because that meant he hadn't done everything to try and save the ship. It was the emotional side of it he was having trouble understanding. There was something caught in his throat that he couldn't describe. He first noticed it when he saw Scotty working away furiously trying to get the radiation down, or that's what it looked like from his poor viewing position.

He must've blacked out because when he opened his eyes again there was his first officer standing in front of the door apparently yelling at his chief-engineer. Jim could've laughed if it didn't hurt so bad. He saw the vulcan kneel down and Jim thought he'd try to meet him halfway.

He reached up, fighting the pain that spread across his body as he shut the internal door. This way he'd be able to talk to his first officer. The first thing that came to mind was his crew. Spock confirmed what he had guessed, they were out of the danger zone. He was relieved.

He had figured out what a few of the emotions were that remained stuck in his throat. Pride and relief. He was proud that his crew managed to perform admirably even under those circumstances. He was relieved that most of the crew had been saved. He thought that it was a record to lose so few crew members even with everything that had been thrown at him.

He saw emotions dancing in Spock's. There was anger and grief. Jim said something, he thought it was about why he saved Spock. Jim knew he was talking if only to comfort the vulcan.

Jim knew that he was feeling anger. Anger at Khan that he was forced to put his crew through that and anger at himself for being fooled and nearly killing his crew. There was grief for every crew member that he lost this mission.

Thinking on it harder, Jim realized that another unnamed emotion that was in the ball in his throat was fear. He was afraid. Not for the first time in his life, probably for the last however, but it would be the first time that he admitted it to someone. He thought it made him seem more human in his last moments. He didn't like this feeling that all of the conflicting emotions were creating.

He asked Spock how he was able to not feel. The tormented expression on the Commander's face was answer enough. Spock didn't know how he did, it was something for protection so he could have peace in his last moments. To Jim's surprise he saw tears fall from Spock's face. He wanted to tell Bones that the Vulcan really could feel.

It was harder to breath. Jim knew that there were mere seconds before he died. He hated this emotion that he was feeling. Watching his first officer crumble before him, knowing that his chief-engineer was watching just as grief stricken, he guessed at least.

He placed his hand against the glass that separated them. He didn't know what the gesture meant but it seemed like the best thing to do. He didn't need to speak, he had nothing more to say, There was a spell that settled over those present that speaking would cause it to shatter, that within this area nothing bad will happen. Jim knew that with his passing the small bubble that enveloped the room would shatter. He felt bad that he was leaving his crew in such a state but what more could he do. He knew that this was payment so that his crew could live, a small price to pay he thought.

The pain increased and it felt like there would never be relief before he was doused in a coolness. An unnatural cold that he knew that came with departing from the living. There were spots dancing in his eyes and unshed tears making them uncomfortably itchy. He watched as Spock watched him die. His reflection was clear in the deep browns of the half-Vulcan. It was creepy to watch himself die. He felt his muscles go lax and in the last minute he tore his gaze away from the Vulcan's and stared at nothing. He let out a light breath and then there was nothing, everything was numb. He couldn't hear the hum of the engines any longer or the broken breathing of the members in the room watching him parish. His eyesight went next. The notion that he was dying in slow motion was the thought that occupied his mind. Also how scared he was. He didn't want to die, he was going to be alone and he had no idea what would be waiting for him. He tried to divert his thoughts from his fear but found that he couldn't.

He died thinking about how scared he truly was and that he was never brave, the crew might think that he was but in truth he had been always afraid of failing. While he didn't think that he failed, he did in a way. He put his crew in too much danger, their brush with death was too close to call. He failed at keeping everyone safe. He was afraid of what they would think of him once he was gone.

He soon found himself falling into an endless black. His body had shut down and so had his mind. From the observers in the room it looked like Captain James T. Kirk had died in the line of duty protecting his ship. But the last thought that the Captain had was. _I died because I fail to protect them._

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**This was for Shila1378! I do hoped this lived up to your expectations of what you wished from me! Send me a request or a word and I'll fill it! Later! ~IF**


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